Letting go of expectations during crisis

For many of us, ‘stay safe at home’ orders have effectively “grounded” us. We may be home alone, with our pets, with our kids or even with extended family. Hopefully, you’re finding healthy(ish) ways to cope with the stress of crisis. You may be tempted to try to accomplish some big task during your “free time.” But you don’t have free time — you have crisis time. Crisis time is time for healing, rest, taking care of yourself and taking care of your community (if you’re able). While I’m as frazzled as the next person, I’m buoyed by the conversations I’ve had with friends and family about what we’re leaning in to, and what we’re letting go of. (Yes — I ended that sentence in a preposition. Archaic grammar rules are one of the things I’m leaving behind!)

In my family life, I’m leaning into making my garden bigger than last year, and giving away some of the bounty. My new favorite activity is finding edible weeds in my yard and trying to convince friends to pick up an edible bouquet and try it themselves! I’m leaning into simple meals when I’m tired and fun new recipes when I have energy. I’m leaning into paring down and figuring out what things we really do, and don’t need. I’m petting my dogs a lot and giving them more walks. I’m listening to my body, staying aware of my moods, and being clear with my needs. I feel no shame in announcing that I need to be left alone, in the yard with coffee or in another room watching a show. I make sure my partner and kids feel empowered to claim alone time, as well. I have already let go of the expectation that this is “quality time” with my family — it’s crisis time. I’m thankful for the time we do have together, and know that many families are not getting it. But it’s tired time, stressed time, will-I-ever-see-my-friends-again time. I haven’t read one book or baked any banana bread. I wondered out loud (aka on Facebook) whether I could get any of my friends to make me deviled eggs or sourdough bread. Both were delivered; both friends received edible bouquets as a thank you.

In my business, I’m leaning into webinars and podcasts, because my normal schedule doesn’t allow for time to listen in a focused way. I’m letting go of chasing opportunities and clients that aren’t quite the right fit. I’ve let go of the 40 hour workweek; I typically work 25–30 hours per week, but between keeping my kids alive, fed, and somewhat ‘schooled’, I’m probably only achieving 10–15 hours of solid work. Which is a blessing, in a way, because I have no time for tomfoolery. I’m not chasing any algorithms or slaying all day — I’m pivoting and planning and trying to keep my business thriving without the standard noise of what I “should” be doing. I’m letting go, wistfully, of my grandiose plans to grow my business this year, and my big, annual, in person events.

I see businesses leaning into their local community, which makes me endlessly happy. I see friends building Food is Free gardens, Little Free Libraries, and Little Free Pantries. I hear honest and frank conversations about what structural inequities have surfaced during this crisis, and how individuals, corporations and governments can work to fix those. I worry about parents who are “essential” workers but don’t have childcare, and kids without internet or computers but expected to keep up with schoolwork. I worry about food security in my community (and yours). I worry about this generation of kids, some of who will remember this as an extended, weird summer vacation and others may remember it as a challenging, lonely, frustrating time.

I feel tired, and unmotivated. And then frustrated, and then motivated with energy that I don’t know how to channel. I help out neighbors or organizations in little ways, which feels useful. But then I think of the scale of what our world is going through — and needs to change — and it feels inadequate. I imagine that these feelings aren’t going to get better if ‘stay safe at home’ orders are extended. And so I give myself space to feel these things. But then I give myself space to say: maybe I can let go of my expectation to be The Most Useful, or The Best Mom or The One Who Wrote a Book in Lockdown. Maybe I don’t need that. Maybe you don’t, either.

This article was previously published on Medium.com in May 2020.